Fancy unleashing your kinky side for a bit of alone time? There’s nothing like an afternoon of exploring the cave or shaft, wearing in the new vibrator, or searching the web for your next mind-blowing orgasm, but sometimes wanking requires that little bit extra. Something different.
And maybe you like using your toys together (after cleaning to avoid STIs, of course), in which case the same old toy can wear thin, in pleasure and quite literally.
Here are some of the weirdest, kinkiest and naughtiest sex toys you can buy:
Morning Glory
Do your randy levels hit the roof in the morning? Occasionally actually! But sometimes you just want a quickie then go. Or do you not want to worry about morning breath, from both sides, which is a perfectly legitimate excuse FYI. If you’re NOT a morning person, perhaps your very own vibrator alarm clock can help?
This gadget fits into your knickers and wakes you up gradually, starting with minor vibrations before building to an orgasm. Let’s all take a moment to write an enthusiastic letter to the inventor of such a device…oh wait, it’s been discontinued? Let’s all take a moment to write an enthusiastic letter to the inventor asking for a relaunch.
Think Patrick Swayse’s In Ghost With Added Willy
This certainly isn’t a sentence I ever thought I’d say, but you can clay up your dick in a special willy mould and give it to your partner. Happy Birthday!/Christmas!/Easter!Etc!
Handy for long distance relationships, and those fellas who have a problem with you using toys when they’re not around (seriously guys, we need to get over that at some point though). This mould comes in eight different colours including glow in the dark. What a time to be alive.
From our knowledge, there isn’t an equivalent for the vagina yet, although we did admire those arty vagina moulds from a while back…
A Dip Into The Unknown
Always wondered what your cervix looks like? No, we don’t have much interest either thanks to frequent smears and that very question asked by the doctor, BUT if you do, there’s a camera vibrator thingy that allows you to have a good old nose around the inside of your vagina. Why should your partner have all the fun eh?
It looks like a boring dildo and is a little pricey, but we’re a firm believer in spending the cash on a decent sex toy if it’s right up your street. You can be tight with your loo roll, by all means, but treat your vagina! You deserve it.
Houston, We Have An Orgasm
We’ve gone into some details regarding male sex toys, especially Fleshlights (basically the equivalent to dildos made for straight guys). They’re pretty darn popular in the male sex toy world, but they do come in some interesting shapes, textures and with extras too. Like the Freaks! collection consisting of zombies and vampires.
Now, have you heard of the Launchpad? The loosely associated astronaut pun is making sense now. Well, the Fleshlight Launchpad allows guys to use a Fleshlight with an iPad holder attached to the top. Voila! You have your favourite porn and your favourite toy seamlessly combined in one easy place.
Don’t forget, you can use your Launchpad for Skype calls too. Just imagine the new possibilities of your long-term relationship. She has a vibrating replica of your penis and you have a personal viewing of her attached to your sex toy. Pinch yourself, you’re not dreaming.
We are serious. It’s been in the Independent and everything. They’re pretending it’s a joke and they don’t care, they really own one and usually weekly.
MORE Moulds
The weird and wacky sex world loves a bit of the replica body part don’t they? You can get whatever your heart desires, including:
- Entire hands (for the fisting types)
- Feet (For the foot fetishes)
- Entire dolls (Just check out some Channel 4 documentaries)
- Glove (With vibrating end for men)
We haven’t even got to the wide array of butt plug shapes you can find on Etsy.
What’s Your Flava?
Tell me what’s your flava? UUUMMMMM. Pipe down, Craig. But lubes do come in more flavours that not only make sex tasty, but also are downright bizarre:
- Bacon; Yes, rejoice, bacon lube and bacon condoms exist. So if the smells of sizzling bacon get you all wet, or you fancy lathering up some bacon on your fella saucy sausage (we have no shame), then bacon lube is worth a go.
- Fruits; These are the usual strawberry, cherry, passion fruit, Mango, etc.
- Sweet tooth; Some chocolate paint and caramel, honey and vanilla are pretty well-known, but you can also get cupcake flavoured, candy floss, Tutti Fruity, cookie dough, bubblegum and fizzy cola.
- Alcoholic; There’s Whisky Dick, cocktails including Woo Woo, Mai Tai and Sex on the Beach, and Baileys & Cream.
- Minty; Mint choc chip combine the best of the cool versus sweet tooth option, but peppermint can give you the added bonus of minty breath.
For authenticity, there is also lube that looks and feels just like semen. You’re down there anyway but if you like an abundance of the stuff, you now know where to find it.
BDSM
Fifty Shades might have miss the mark with Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism (try saying that fast) but the toys out there allow you to inflict or receive some serious – consensual – pain if and when the subject requires.
One thing that has come out of the whole Fifty Shades of Grey is awareness and the freedom to be as kinky as you like. This has also opened up the floodgate to other potential partners. BDSM beginners sets include handcuffs, blindfolds, ticklers, nipple tassels, restraints, ball gags and whips. Don’t get us started on the array of spanking paddles…
In terms of the weird and wonderful from the BDSM world – and those looking for even more spice – there’s fetish clothing, medical fetishes (like the camera vibrator mentioned above), swings and chastity belts.
Medical fetishes ca include pain and sensation as well as dilators style tools. Why not complete the look with some latex gloves…or fisting mitten of course.
The Sheer Variety of Butt Plugs Shapes
Apparently there’s a butt plug for every occasion, including the birth of Christ. Yes, ladies and gents, why not tickle your backend with a lovely baby Jesus shaped butt plug. You’ll certainly be using God’s name in vain if used correctly. But there are other too; Grim Reaper butt plug…Virgin Mary…The Devil. Lord have mercy has never been such an appropriate phrase…but what else is there?
There’s a lid for every pot, and a butt plug for every taste apparently. One search in the Etsy search engine and you will find…
- Dictators such as Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un
- Furry tail themed plugs
- Diamante and jewels
- Ones that can personalised and engraved
- Silicone, glass, wooden and metal
- David Bowie from Labyrinth
Did we mention this was just the first two pages under “butt plug”?
Seriously, some of these do not leave an awful lot to the imagination. A rabbit, a Fleshlight and anything that vibrates may be more than orgasmic enough for most occasions, however sometimes you need something a little more special.
STEP UP YOUR SEX LIFE 